Reading: "Oracles Mysterium" from Evenfall of the Helical (A.Glass 2022)

Three Weeks ago.

Of Life Psychology.

4328 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles

“It is the same dream?” Doctor Ashley Tobius asks, a clinical psychologist, as he tilts his head in an attentive manner looking at Saffi Adalyn who is sitting opposite him within the medium size therapy office.
“Yeah, it is, sometimes where I am standing, it looks a little different, but mostly, it seems to be from the Hollywood Bowl Overlook. That flash of light, it's so bright, then the explosion, a thermonuclear detonation over Los Angeles. I know in the dream, that I am already dead from the initial flash. But…,” Adalyn pauses, looking at the clear blue sky from the therapist room window, she returns her gaze to the psychologist in front of her. “...there is no pain.”
Dr Tobius nods. “It is quick.”
Adalyn closes her eyes, drawing in breath, in her own training to calm her thoughts and mind, she slowly exhales. She nods without replying.
“Saffi, we've talked about what some of these dreams could indicate, particularly the ones of a nuclear explosion over Los Angeles, what is interesting and important I believe in studying these thoughts, it is not of fear.”
“That's right, I don't feel fearful with the explosion or if, say, I dunno, a premonition of what might occur. I have felt suicidal in the past, we've talked about it. These dreams, they don't feel like intentionally I want to die.”
Dr Tobius, leaning back into his chair whilst maintaining his professional and assiduous interaction with Adalyn.
“An acceptance of situations that, and I am careful not to overly state dreams, although they can be telling, we have to make sure that there is a cohesive aspect in relating to our waking reality. Yet, what can be out of our control, as in actions and these are always external, sometimes they do manifest in our dreams. You see, what you have been through Saffi has been very challenging, dealing with bipolar and its depression and anxiety.”
“Yes...” she looks away again, this time staring without absorbing the interior of Dr Tobius's office. Her thoughts are of her sister. She looks at the psychologist in front of her. “...I visited my sister's grave yesterday.”
Dr Tobius doesn't immediately respond, awaiting for Adalyn's reaction after her comment.
“When was the last time you visited the grave?” He asks, his tone conciliatory.
“A year ago, actually, this is the same month when she committed suicide...” Adalyn closes her eyes, as tears appear, a single teardrop falls onto her cheek. “...I prefer not to go, but I do it, on behalf on my mother. And as you know she,...” Reaching across to the coffee table, Adalyn lifts with her right had a tissue from the small table to her left, lightly touching it beneath her lower eyelids. “...has dementia, residing in care at the UCLA Health.”
“How have you coped recently? And your depression?”
“Good days, bad days. Less intense, the highs and lows are more stretched out, not as debilitating as they once were. I meditate, that's helped a lot and focusing on my new business. But, my sex drive is all but gone. No interest and I know why, I used to do speed and sometimes coke before sex, it’s the only way I could get to that point of arousal. Sometimes I get a memory of doing these drugs before sex and I get halfway aroused, then it goes. Now I don't do those types of drugs anymore, it’s like, you know, hard to find it natural to be intimate with somebody else.”
“Did your psychiatrist explain why?”
“Yeah, he did. My blood tests showed very low levels of serotonin and dopamine, which, he said was caused by my clinical depression over the years hence why they were low, so when I did coke, they went through the roof and I always timed the use when I felt the bipolar mania kicking in, that's when I could have sex. And it was pretty intense, but so was the crash thereafter. Each depressive period after the mania was getting worse and worse and I would lose interest in intimacy for months after an episode even with the drugs. The more drugs I did, the more fucked up I became.”
“And this lack of intimacy has affected your relationships?”
“Kinda of, I was seeing this guy, very brief, I ended it just recently. He wasn't for me, but there is this one guy, I haven't seen in over a year, with the pandemic...” Adalyn pauses, inhaling and exhaling gently, she thinks of her former friend and lover David Yinkle. “...I hurt him, pushed him away.”
“And you have been thinking about him recently?”
“Yes, very much so. With a lot of guilt, I can get more depressed just with the thought. I don't know what he is doing...but at the same time I don't want to know, but the thoughts do return.”
“When you said you hurt him? In what sense?” Dr Tobius asks.
“We were friends”
“Sexually?”
“Yes we were, but it wasn't a traditional relationship as such...just a special bond that we had, we got along really well...” She begins to cry. “...He valued the friendship we had.”
“So, the hurt you feel you committed against him was in ending the friendship with him?” The psychologist asks.
“Yes. At the time I was very depressed, I wasn't thinking straight. I loved him so much, but I had this fear he would leave me. I don't know if he felt the same…My thoughts were in a crazy place at that time.”
“You hurt him, with the fear of being hurt yourself?”
Adalyn nods.
“The new boutique will be opening soon?”
“The store opening is in three weeks. After the lockdowns and restrictions, it hasn't been easy, I guess for everyone. That kinda crashed me, since then, I've picked myself up.”
“No more drug taking?”
“None, like I said no coke, speed, all gone, wasn't good for me, no doubt that deeply affected my mind and body. In a negative way.”
“Psychedelics?” Dr Tobius asks.
“Considering...I know, kinda not advised. Right? With my diagnosis. Just a thought, that it might help get my sex drive back. No decision yet, it would be very gentle session. If anything a low dose of mushrooms. But, definitely not on the radar.”
“And the medications? Are you still taking the antipsychotic Cariprazine.” The psychologist looks down at the psychiatrist's referral notes. Seeing the diagnosis of Adalyn as having Schizoaffective disorder.
Adalyn nods. “Yes, when I see the my psychiatrist next month, we're going to ween off the dosage from a half to quarter dose.”
“And it has helped?”
“Absolutely, it helped with the irritability, racing thoughts, psychosis, which I hated, and rumination of different things that get stuck in my head. Combined with this...” Pointing at Dr Tobius. “...But, like I said, what has helped the most is the meditation, it has taken awhile. My old friend, who, like I said I haven't seen in a long time...” Adalyn, looks away, aware that she just referred to Yinkle as her friend again. “...introduced me to a technique of using fear to destroy fear. A very challenging mediation and you can see, I haven't mastered it as yet.”
“We're talked about your mother and the relationship you had with her...” Dr Tobius begins to ask Adalyn, aware that she still has yet to reconcile her thoughts of her mother, to which she quickly interrupts.
“There wasn't much of one, it was, as we have talked about, a very strained relationship.”

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Reading:  "Oracles Mysterium" from Evenfall of the Helical (A.Glass 2022)